Did I mention I’ve been watching Glee lately?! Now normally I find Rachel to be incredibly annoying and yet, at times like this, she can be strangely enduring and poignant. I defer to Rachel because she expressed perfectly what I have felt my entire teenage and young adult life! I know that may sound odd coming from me, especially after I just admitted I’ve never had a relationship. But that’s exactly why I decided to do a follow up blog. (Again guys, and gals too for that matter, beware: some revelations may be uncomfortable.) I’ve decided that not enough is said about female sexuality. Frankly, it makes people uncomfortable and most people would rather sweep in under the rug as less of an issue than male sexuality.
A common reaction to my lack of a “love life’ is the assumption that since I’ve never had a relationship, I must be some sort of prude with no sex drive. How else could I possibly have made it to my age without a tangible expression of my sexuality? I realize to some I am an impossibility that doesn’t make sense. I mentioned in my first blog entry that I have struggled with sin. Specifically, I will say that the internal battle between desiring a pure heart and fending off lustfulness has been a challenge for me. As I look back on my “formative” teen years two people stand out for me as influential in my current views on sexuality.
My two youth group leaders Patti and Gil Carter from my sophomore year of high school, or the “Power Couple” as I now fondly refer to them are the ones I credit with explaining the importance of having God centered dating relationships. Patti in particular was so real and down to Earth and willing to talk about everything with our girls’ group. They helped me articulate what it was I was looking for in a future dating relationship in terms of finding a fellow Christ follower with similar values. Under their guidance, I began to appreciate God’s desire to be involved in even this arena. I started to truly believe that God had my best interests at heart. While my peers tended to date tons of people I never felt the need to seek affirmation through relationships because I was filled with the love of Christ and satisfied in his love and desire for my life. I’ve always had a sense that it is incredibly important for me to share a love of Christ with my partner because that primary love has so permeated my being that there can be no separation or replacement.
In one of our conversations in girls’ group about waiting to have sex until marriage, Patti posed a question I haven’t forgotten. She asked, “Can you imagine what it would be like for two virgins on their marriage night?” She continued, “I can’t think of a more beautiful image than two people who have no idea what they’re doing trying to figure it out together.” That idea really resonated with me. “Yes!” I thought, “That’s exactly what I want.” I have no illusions; initially sex is going to be incredibly, frankly unimaginably, awkward but the idea of sharing completely in that awkwardness with a partner I know will be there the next morning, and every morning thereafter, for me was awe inspiring.
After spending quite a bit of time contemplating that ideal it became a done deal in my mind. Because the guy I married, I reasoned, would also be an “authentic Christian” he would necessarily have the same beliefs and thus, naturally, would be a virgin too. I know, I know, I’m chuckling at my naiveté too even now. While a part of me is still hopeful my “dream” is possible, I’ve recently had a reality check. To be blunt, I realized that as each year goes by the likelihood of me finding a virgin seems increasingly like searching for a needle in a hay stack on steroids.
At the risk of seeming melodramatic I found the five stages of grief (denial, depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance) rather useful in describing my mourning process. When I had discussions about sex with my friends, most of whom were sexually active; they would try and convince me that I was being unrealistic. It usually went something like “You just don't understand the realities of dating someone and how bad you’ll want them,” they would argue. Or, “Yah, sex is a big deal, but it isn’t like it’s THAT big of a deal. I mean no one cares if you’re a virgin anymore. In fact most guys prefer someone with experience.” I wouldn’t hear of it. I scoffed at their ignorance. You might say I was in denial.
Eventually though it became harder and harder for me to tune out. Especially as I realized more and more of my Christian friends were becoming sexually active I started to feel betrayed. It was one thing for secular society to be promiscuous, but when I realized that people I thought should have the same sexual ethic as me were having sex I began to feel like I was missing out on something. It was rather depressing.
Over time those sentiments festered and I got rather bitter about it. What was the point of “waiting” for my future husband if no one was going to be “waiting” for me?!?! Why should I be so conscientious of fostering and preserving purity if it wasn’t even valued anymore? I was downright angry! I was angry at both guys and girls for giving into temptation, society for making it ok, and the church for selling me a false vision.
At some point during my prayer time (which at this point was more like a continuous argument with God) I began making deals with God. “Well it’s ok if I do this because at least I’m not having sex.” Or “If you can forgive everyone else for having sex then You have to forgive me for this. It’s only fair.” The most tempting one was, “Well, You’re the one who made me this way. You created me with this sex drive so it must be ok if I express it.” I guess you might call it bargaining with God.
In reality my experience certainly wasn’t as linear as I’ve depicted it here. As with most difficult lessons in life, it’s been one step forward two steps back. Lately though, I would say within the last year, year and a half I’ve done some of the most intense soul searching on the subject. I finally got to the point where I felt I had to really duke it out with God and figure out where I stood and why. Here are a few of the major revelations that have come out of this period.
First of all, one of the main problems I saw in sexual relationships outside of marriage is that frequently sex then became the focal point of that relationship. I realized that I wasn’t really any better off because I had been making not having sex the focal point of a theoretical relationship. I wasn’t having sex, but I still ended up thinking about it all the time. Secondly, I had to get over my ridiculous “holier than thou” attitude when attempting to bargain with God. One of my big areas of growth this year has been in appreciating and truly embracing Christ’s sacrifice on the cross. As Romans 3:23 says: For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. We all screw up in different ways and my way of sinning is no better or worse than another person’s sin; we are all human and nothing we do on our own will ever be good enough, period.
The second revelation came when I volunteered to preach at my church in Montana this summer. The reading that weekend was also from Romans (6:12-23) and focused on sin and God’s grace. The problem in the passage was that the people were trying to justify their sins because they knew that God would forgive them. Paul argued that the people were completely missing the point of God’s grace. When you become a servant to God, you are so in love with God that you choose to follow Him and do the best that you can to lead a life pleasing to God even though you know you will inevitably fail. What I personally got out of my sermon, was that if I want to truly follow God’s will for my life I have to re-embrace the sexual ethic I formed out of my perceived naiveté, albeit with a few alterations. Namely that, while I choose to hold myself to a certain standard of behavior, and while I might hope and pray for someone who does the same, it’s not up to me to judge another person’s life journey as better or worse than my own. I’ve conceded that the person I marry might not be a virgin and I’m ok with that. God is bigger than me, bigger than my future partner, and has the ultimate ability to forgive and heal those wounds.
The third revelation I had was about the difference between pre-marital sex and post-marital sex. My thought process went something like this: “What,” I wondered, “was the big deal? If two people really love one another why does it really matter if you wait until you’re married to have sex? What about the wedding changes sex from being wrong to being wonderful?” That I realized was the key question. It was my AHA! moment. For me as a Christian, the purpose of marriage is a formal invitation for God to bless the union and to join with us in a miniature trinity of sorts as we begin our life together. At the same time we ask God to unite us as one body and we make promises to honor, serve, and love one another and God as God has loved us. That’s why I think marital sex must be so different, because the focus is no longer just on me and my partner, but rather is on both of us seeking to grow closer together by growing closer to God.
I’ll close by saying that as my views on sex have evolved over the past ten years or so I believe my experience is in part a testament to the power and importance of youth ministry in teaching teens that God has a vested interest in the purity of our hearts and dating relationships. Finally, my saving grace in all this has been a strong prayer life that began back in middle school. As a thirteen year old I can remember realizing that I might not get married until I was thirty. Seventeen plus years seemed like an eternity to go without having sex!! And yet here I am more than halfway there at twenty-four. I firmly believe that it is not by my own strength or will that I have maintained relative sexual purity but rather through daily prayer; lots and lots and lots of prayer!
I keep finding little gems that help keep me on my path. Here are two: 1 Corinthians 10:13 –No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to all. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. About a month ago I stumbled across Psalm 38 in my daily bible study and it has been a revelation in my prayers for strength and patience.
Psalm 38:6-11: I am utterly bowed down and prostrate; all day long I go around mourning. For my loins are filled with burning, and there is no soundness in my flesh. I am utterly spent and crushed; I groan because of the tumult of my heart. O Lord, all my longing is known to you; my sighing is not hidden from you. My heart throbs, my strength fails me; as for the light of my eyes—it also has gone from me. My friends and companions stand aloof from my affliction, and my neighbors stand far off.
As Ecclesiastes is infamous for saying, there really is nothing new under the sun! Without God’s strength to lean on and draw from, I emphatically believe I would be a dramatically different person today. That in a nutshell has been my journey to acceptance.
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